There’s a certain phrase I’ve come to really dislike.
All my life, I’ve heard this phrase whenever I go through life's difficulties. You’re probably familiar with those kinds of "life difficulties".
“God will never give you more than you can handle” is the phrase I’m referring to.
And it’s a sweet sentiment, really. The people who say it are speaking from caring and concerned hearts.
BUT–it isn’t true.
Right now I truly feel that I have more than I can handle. At times it feels like everything is happening in slow motion. The last six months have felt like years. Don has endured so much since August and I truly am sad and overwhelmed FOR him. He is trying so hard to put on a brave front, yet, I see the real Don that no one else sees. I see the tears and fears. I see the man I know become someone else. I see the weakness get the better of him and I see the sparkle in his smile dim just a little bit. I see things that I wish I never had to see. I try to protect him from everything. Shield him from pain, from things that will hurt him, but I can't shield and protect him from the cancer.
Last week Don started having an intense right leg pain. If you remember, Don had a steel rod inserted into his right femur in September 2013 due to kidney cancer that had spread to that bone. Well anyway, an x-ray at Vanderbilt on 2/11/14 confirmed that Don has broke his femur. Thankfully the steel rod has stabilized the break, however, the small little crack in the bone has pain that radiates to his knee, up the back of his thigh and gives him a lot of pain. When Dr. Halpern told us that it was broke, I wanted to cry. But there were just no tears left. I swear to you I almost laughed and said that it was just our luck. There is just no way that Don could have a simple strain or pulled ligament, nope ... he has to have an actual broken bone. We have all agreed that surgery is not an option to repair bone, Don is just too weak for surgery and he needs to stay on his chemo. So, for 6 weeks it is no weight bearing on that leg. Easier said than done!
Don has handled this news very well and we have had great talks at length about his future continuing as an employee at Tennessee Valley Authority and wondering if it is even possible for him to return to work in the future. I am thankful that Don is able to have these talks. He will be making a difficult and heartwrenchng decision in the very near future. It is something that he doesn't want to face, as he loves his job. But, we have to be realistic in what he can handle.
Please keep Don in your prayers as he makes his difficult decision. It is hard, emotionally difficult and terribly sad that he isn't able to do the things that he loves doing. Seeing him sidelined by cancer recently has felt like a dagger in my heart.
This quote made me think of my brown knight ... the guy who stole my heart:
You are stronger than you think,
remember to stand tall.
Every challenge in your life
helps you to grow.
Every problem you encounter
strengthens your mind and your soul.
Every trouble you overcome
increases your understanding of life.
When all your troubles weigh
heavily on your shoulders,
remember that beneath the burden
you can stand tall,
because you are never given
more than you can handle...
and you are stronger than you think.
~ Lisa Wroble ~
Don is stronger than he thinks. He is amazing and he fights harder than anyone I know. He deserves to be happy and deserves to have a life free of pain. I don't know why things happen, but I wish I could see the good in things again.
I wish for a lot of things .....
I wish God would stop having so much faith in me ... he is definitely giving me more than I can handle.