|Summer of 1995|
I have little anxiety issues from time-to-time and had them big time as a kid, so this is nothing new. However, having anxiety about honoring his last wish is stressful. The islands that Don wants to be partially scattered on are not islands that are easy to get to, so that in itself is stressful just thinking of getting me and the girls there. Also, the thought of touching my feet onto Ketchikan's earth without Don holding my hand is a devastating feeling. I just don't feel mentally strong enough to go there. And knowing that I don't have the strength right now to go to Ketchikan makes me anxious. I feel like a failure, like I am failing Don.
I have talked to both Lisa and Erica and told them my feelings. They are 100% supportive in whatever I choose, but I keep going back and forth with what I want to do. I just don't want anyone to think that I am not following through with Don's wishes. I don't want to be judged and talked about for not doing it "in a timely manner". I wish I didn't worry about what people think, but as a life-long people pleaser, it is something that I just deal with.
So, you can see why I am filled with anxiety.
Do I go to Ketchikan, even though every cell in my body is filled with fear of being there without Don, or do I wait and go when it feels right to me? Do I go to Ketchikan and just get it over with or do I wait until I feel like it is the right time? Why does it feel like I am being judged by certain family in Alaska for not bringing Don home? I am so torn. I hate being filled with this incredible amount of anxiety.
I know what I need to do, but it just isn't something that I want to do right now. I will honor Don's wishes one day. But I don't feel like planning a memorial in Ketchikan is something that I am able to do. I am not mentally strong enough to handle all of the memories that will come with going to the town where I met and feel in love with Don. At least I am not ready right now. It has been 7 months since he passed, but it feels like it was just yesterday to my heart.
I still miss him immensely and yesterday was a good cry in the shower kind of day.
So, please don't judge me for not planning anything in Ketchikan at this time. I am always acting so strong, but I am not and I just can't handle the thought of going to Ketchikan at this time. I promise that I have every bit intention of honoring Don's wishes, but it will have to be on when I feel strong enough to do it. I am sorry if this offends anyone, but I have to worry about myself and I know what I am able to handle and what I am not able to handle at this time.
I am going on a Healing Retreat in a few weeks, just me alone. I am going to hopefully help myself heal by fully processing the tremendous loss. I need to do this by spending some time alone with my thoughts. Writing them out and feeling them without worrying about anyone else. I will be at the Atlantis Rejuvenation Center in Bimini, Bahamas for one week. This is a small place that will help me focus on me and my thoughts and feelings. I have never done something like this before, but it feels like a trip I need to take. I need to fully deal with his death. I need to get back to myself and figure out who I am without Don. I don't know who I am anymore and I hate this lost feeling.
Please understand my thoughts and feelings without judging me. I am trying the best I can.
Blessings ~ Susan